Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Psychopath

Recently, I have been doing some talking, and one topic that has come up time and time again is women in relationships and our bizarre behaviour. Now, whilst trying to give a male friend some advice on why women behave in this way when in relationships, I did have to gently remind him that I hadn't been in one for a while.....

And then, whilst I was wiping the blood off my hands I got to thinking and here are a selection of my views...

Scenario number one. 

A boy is at a wedding. He is chatting to a pretty girl all through dinner, they are getting on very well, laughing, flirting, doing whatever it is young fools do at a wedding when there are wine and suits. Then it comes to the evening and they are dancing. And not just any dancing I mean Patrick Swayze (God rest his soul) style dancing. She had put down her watermelon and was giving it her all. He was thinking 'yabadabbadoo' 'yowzer' 'flibbertigibbit' and 'blimey'.
He was then informed, by a brutha from anutha mutha, that he needed to 'watch his step' this lady had a long-term boyfriend.
These are the questions that arose, why didn't she tell him? Why was she behaving like a slut-face? Did she want to split up with her boyfriend and get with this fella she had just picked up at wedding? I doubt it. It's an interesting one. I think in this case, attention. We girls like to think that we are sexy and desirable, and obviously lavish any attention we get especially if it is an attractive guy giving it.
 

There is a school of thought that flirting outside of the relationship is beneficial to the relationship itself. It reminds the person that they are attractive and sexy, boosting their confidence, which, of course, brushes off in the boudoir.
It doesn't go on to say how the poor sap feels who has been used and has been left to go home and watch soft porn on channel five because his internet connection is down. (I don't know this to be true - I don't know the guy that well).
All in all I would say that girl sounds like a bit of a prick tease. Why is it acceptable to rub yourself up against a man's love stick, only to go home to your man at the end of the night? It is not. It is not acceptable. Dirty Girl. Bad Dirty Girl. Go to my room.

Scenario number two. 

A couple have had a nice meal. Everything is lovely. A romantic atmosphere, good wine, a twinkle in each others eyes. They are walking home. The girl is quiet. Very quiet. 

The man asks 'is everything ok?' 

She replies 'fine'. 

More silence. 

'Really darling, something is obviously not ok' 

'I'm fine' 

'You're not fine, obviously. You haven't said a word' 

'Honestly. I'm fine.'
 

They go home, brush their teeth, get ready for bed, in complete silence. The man is in agony. He has no idea what he has done. Is she going to leave? Has she decided she hates him? Has she met someone else? Is she dying? Or worse, pregnant?!

Then they are lying in bed and she says, 'Actually it really pissed me off that you told the waiter we didn't want a dessert. How the hell do you know I don't want a dessert?! You think I'm too fat for ice-cream don't you?! You were insinuating that I had already finished off an entire plate of salad and that if I had a dessert I'd just be a pig who is already too fat and is going to end up looking just like my mother and that I make you sick to look at me!'

This happens with us women all the time. We are psychos! We let a guy sweat and sweat and sideline him with some pointless, stupid, petty argument that is generally about how insecure we are.
 

I know I do this. And the worst thing is while I am doing it I am having some sort of outer body experience. I am hovering over myself shouting 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT?! THAT DRESS LOOKS AWFUL!' etc....
 

And yet I can't stop, I just can't, we know where it's going and yet we want to cause more hassle. Why? Why is this in our nature?
 

I think this shows that women would make good spies. We store all our information away from the Russians and then at the very last minute when they are exasperated we confuse them with questions like 'Do you think my mother is attractive?' or 'Have you stopped respecting me because I do your laundry?' thus throwing them into such a state of confusion that we are able to bring them down with our stiletto knife heel.

Or something.