Does he like me?

From time to time I get some messages from you lovely lot , my readers, asking me for some relationship advice. Very flattering indeed that you think of me some kind of relationship Buddha. But strange too, as I am more of a relationship Gandhi, with my choice of abstinence. Or rather, having abstinence unwantedly thrust upon me. 

About 90% of the questions I am asked in face to face real life by actual friends and also by lovely stranger-to-me messaging women essentially boil down to the same thing:

Does he like me?

Does he love me?

Does he still like me?

Does he still love me?

And, of course, the answer is, how can I possibly know? In some cases I've never met you or him so I have absolutely no way of knowing from a one sided email. But, the response I give is pretty much always the same. And, I think, pretty much always accurate. 

Instead of trawling through his messages looking for hidden meanings 'he said 'see you later' at the end of his text, does that mean he WANTS to see me later, or like he feels he's being held at gunpoint to see me later?'

 

Or analysing every single look he gives you or doesn't give or times he touches your shoulder and agonising yourself to death over these meaningless things.

The answer lies in this one simple question. 

Do you like yourself? 

If the answer is yes, then the chances are he probably does too. It is no surprise or huge secret that people like spending time with people who are comfortable in their own skin. If you are happy to spend time in your own company, are happy with the way your life is and are brimming with self confidence. Then why would he not like you? The only reason I can see is because he is a class A idiot. 

Any amount of time you spend agonising about the things that are wrong in your life, your bodily defects, (of which, I assure you, you have none) then the more negativity you will create around yourself. 

I know it's harder said than done a lot of the time, especially when we are constantly being told by the media, advertising etc that are many reasons in life to not be happy, and that if you buy this shampoo all your dreams will come true. But a positive mental attitude makes people love to be around you. 

There are two types of people in life, there are lights and there are drains. 

Lights are pretty self explanatory. Lights are the people you have all the time in the world for. The people who you make you feel better just by being in their company. They are also so goddamn attractive. But that attractiveness isn't from an innate natural beauty (although annoyingly, sometimes it is) it comes from their positivity and being comfortable in themselves. 

Then there are drains. Not all drains are obvious at first sight. They are the sort of people that it is a bit of a chore to be around. They can only really focus in what is wrong with their lives, their bodies, the world in general. They essentially drain energy from you whenever you see them. Even if these people have natural beauty, it pretty much gets covered up by the negative energy they chose to sit in. 

Now, these are of course quite extreme ends of the scale. 

But what you have to think to yourself is,

'Am I the sort of person I would  choose to spend time with?'

 

If not, then take measures to become that person. 

 

If you spend your time pointing out the things that are wrong with you then yes, he will notice them too. How could he not? You're shoving them in his face!

 

Men never EVER notice the things we hate about our bodies, so why show them to him? 

 

If trying to be confident is uncomfortable for you at first, and for a lot of women it will be, then pretend. Pretend to be a confident women. After a little while, you just will be. 

And when you are, how could this man fail to want to be around you and bathe in your light. And quite frankly, if he is not drawn to you like a moth, then plenty of other men soon will be. 

You'll be covered in moths. Umm, I mean men. Or Moths. If you prefer. 

The Ex Files

I like to think that I am a bit of an expert when it comes to relationships (How to avoid them, how to have a man never call you again, and generally how to do all of things that ensure you that you will die alone). Which is why so many of my female friends come to me for advice in all things romance.

Nope, I can't explain it either, but there we go.

Last night I had a dinner with a wonderful friend of mine, Emily. Emily is a lawyer, Emily is a tough, hard working, no nonsense girl. Last night, Emily was a blithering wreck.

I had never seen her like this, she looked like a survivor from 28 Days Later. I wanted to put my arms around her, to comfort her but I was scared that she would eat them.

Her issue was that her boyfriend of six months or so, was still in regular contact with his ex girlfriend and it was driving her crazy.

'It's killing me' She would say between downing buckets of red wine 'I'm trying to stay calm and collected but this Bitch won't leave him alone'

She then stabbed her chicken in a way to ensure that it was really truly dead and looked up at me with the eyes of a desperate woman.

'Aren't I enough for him?'

Let's face it, we've all been here. Especially when it comes to fledgling relationships. You aren't really secure on the ground you are standing and then there's this ever watchful presence of the last woman who owned your man occasionally throwing hand grenades onto the battlefield.

It's quite a dominating presence, this woman who as far as you are aware is prettier, slimmer, cleverer (wouldn't use made up words like cleverer), cooks, cleans, does charity work, amazing in bed, is an all round Goddess and you just don't match up.

Well, let me tell you what I told poor demented Emily from under the dinner table....

He is not the one putting her on a pedestal....

You are.

Of course every man is going to have ex girlfriends, unless you date a virgin, which at my age is a touch creepy. Or we make ex girlfriends illegal. I'm sure it's on the coalition's list of things to get round to.

Some men will stay in touch with their Exes, of course, as will some women. (Sorry, that was a bit obvious, if it was just men keeping in touch with their exes and not women I'm pretty sure that's stalking...)
But, and you will have heard this time and time again, he is with you now. He is not with her. And there is a reason for this. There is a reason they are not together and there is a reason that you are.
You can drive yourself crazy over it, and ruin your relationship or you can behave like a strong independent woman who knows that she is loved and happy and secure. I know which of those two I would rather be in a relationship with. If I was a lesbian. But that's another story.

The fact of the matter is that they are friends now, which is not a bad thing, a man needs female friends for when it comes to help in his relationships, it's very healthy. In fact, if he stays in regular contact with her, it will only serve as a constant reminder of why they aren't together anymore, she won't become this perfect mythical being that she is in your head.

You just need to get the image of them bumping uglies out of your head and you'll be fine.

Looking back on it, bumping uglies might not have been the term I should have used. We had to pay for a lot of broken glass at the restaurant last night.