I want to talk to you about boobs. My boobs. I want to take a second to talk to you about my boobs.
My jubblies. My melons. My super duper fun bags.
Specifically the fact that they are mine.
This might seem obvious to you but to a number of idiots out there it is not.
I own boobs. And the pair bestowed to me are on a rather grand scale. And for some reason some men seem to feel the need to point this out to me.
On a daily basis I will have at least one comment along the lines of 'sexy tits', 'huge tits' and the latest was the poetic 'Hey, lovely big tits!' (These men all have a thesaurus it would appear).
I have been groped on occasions unfortunately too numerous to count. Certain men seem to think that large boobs are a toy in some kind of bouncy fun factory that they can play with.
There are so so many things I wish to talk about in reference to this.
Thing number one.
What do you think you are going to gain from comments like this?
'Oh my God, you are so right! And actually very sexy. I think you and I should go and make sweet sweet love till the sun comes up...'
Thing number two
Why? Why say anything at all? Are some men's response button so absolutely ridiculously shortly wired that they can't walk past a large breasted women without the first thought that enters their tiny tiny brains leaving their disgusting little mouths. I know I have big breasts, you know I have big breasts. I thank you for the information.
Is this the equivalent of 'Sorry, I think you dropped your wallet?'
'Sorry, are you aware that you have lovely big breasts?'
Thing number three.
I don't dress provocatively. I am the wrong side of thirty for that. It's best for everyone involved, believe me. So it's not as though I'm 'asking for it'. I was born this way. Well, obviously not born this way, that would have been horrific for my poor mother, I was a big enough baby as it is. But what I'm trying to say is that it is the equivalent of walking past someone and saying 'You have massive ears' or 'Wow! Look at your super hot crooked nose' I'm not trying to draw attention to myself and they are not for you.
And even if I was showing them off that is absolutely my choice and I should not have to modify the way I dress because some pea brain penis faces cannot control their responses or their hands. These poor, poor men with their Neanderthal brains who can't control themselves. I should wear dark polo necks all year round to not confuse these poor stupid creatures. 5 year olds know not to behave in this way and so should you.
It makes me so so angry. I am not an object and nor is any woman to be made to feel dirty or guilty for their existence. We are not here for your entertainment and the next man who says something to me along these lines in serious danger of getting the response -
'Hey! My knee is in your crotch!'
Of course this is not all men, but take it from me, the numbers are surprisingly high. But unfortunately it won't be the ones reading this. I'd be surprised if they can read.
Sunday 17 August 2014
Saturday 15 February 2014
Ask Auntie Suzy
For some unknown reason, as a veteran singleton, a lot of people come to me for advice on their relationships. Friends, family, strangers (through my twitter - not just in the street). And yes, this is a touch strange. I feel that that is a bit like going to a homeless person to ask for tips on high finance. However, they seem pleased with what I have to offer (the poor ignorant fools!) and so I thought I might enrich your lives by sharing some helpful tips with you here.
Think of me as a sort of relationship Gandhi. In heels.
1. This is quite possibly the most useful piece of information you will ever need. Ever. You don't even need to read on. Tips 2 to 5 might as well be a recipe for a tasty lasagna.
MEN ARE NOT PSYCHIC
I know! I was as surprised as you are! They have done tests and everything. Turns out - men are normal human beings. Have a seat, drink some tea and digest that massive bit of news before reading on...
If a man, for example, asks you where you want to go for dinner and you answer
'Wherever. I don't mind.'
But what you're actually thinking is 'I want you to take me to the Italian restaurant where we had our first date, but I want you to come up with the idea because that would mean you are incredibly romantic and the one for me', then you are setting yourself up for a whole heap of disappointment, a night of grumpy and probably an argument.
You have two choices -
1. TELL HIM THAT THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT
2. Be happy that you are having some lovely quality time with your fella and it ACTUALLY doesn't matter where you go.
You have to tell men, or women for that matter what it is you want. Or you will not get it.
After that little bombshell let's move on to number two.
2. Does he like me?
Brace yourself for another shocker...
I'm not psychic either.
I'm not trying to be mean, or say you're an idiot for asking this question. Of course it's frustrating when you're in the prestages and you have no idea what that person is thinking or feeling. Remember (as in point number 1) they have no idea what you are thinking either.
We can sit here for days going through every tiny detail - 'but for exactly how many seconds did he look at you as you sat down at your desk? If it was 2 - he isn't interested, 4 - he wants to marry you and have your babies, 7 - he thinks there is a possibility that you are a cyborg and is checking your neck for seams'
But the only thing you can do is wait. As boring as that sounds. Wait, be happy with your life as it is and these things will run their course. If you spend your time obsessing about one man you will only chase him away anyway. Enjoy these early exciting stages.
3. Can I trust him?
Yes. As simple as that may seem. Unless he does something to show you otherwise, the answer has to be yes. If you don't trust him it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you and how you have been treated in the past. Leave the past right where it belongs.
4. How do I find a boyfriend?
As cliche as it sounds, stop looking.
I know you've heard it a thousand times. But really. Do the things that make you happy, spend time with friends, indulge yourself. No man or woman will ever complete you. You complete you. And you will be far more attractive to someone if you are a happy fulfilled person than if they sense that you have some sort of reliance on them to make you happy.
If you find someone - great. If you don't, you'll be happy anyway. Win win.
5. How do I know if he's the one?
You don't. You can only know if he makes you happy. If he does, keep him. If he doesn't, get one that does.
For any questions that haven't been answered here (and feel free to keep sending them to me), try ice-cream. In my experience, ice-cream solves pretty much every problem. For the worst problems I recommend Ben and Jerry's Phish food.
Think of me as a sort of relationship Gandhi. In heels.
1. This is quite possibly the most useful piece of information you will ever need. Ever. You don't even need to read on. Tips 2 to 5 might as well be a recipe for a tasty lasagna.
MEN ARE NOT PSYCHIC
I know! I was as surprised as you are! They have done tests and everything. Turns out - men are normal human beings. Have a seat, drink some tea and digest that massive bit of news before reading on...
If a man, for example, asks you where you want to go for dinner and you answer
'Wherever. I don't mind.'
But what you're actually thinking is 'I want you to take me to the Italian restaurant where we had our first date, but I want you to come up with the idea because that would mean you are incredibly romantic and the one for me', then you are setting yourself up for a whole heap of disappointment, a night of grumpy and probably an argument.
You have two choices -
1. TELL HIM THAT THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT
2. Be happy that you are having some lovely quality time with your fella and it ACTUALLY doesn't matter where you go.
You have to tell men, or women for that matter what it is you want. Or you will not get it.
After that little bombshell let's move on to number two.
2. Does he like me?
Brace yourself for another shocker...
I'm not psychic either.
I'm not trying to be mean, or say you're an idiot for asking this question. Of course it's frustrating when you're in the prestages and you have no idea what that person is thinking or feeling. Remember (as in point number 1) they have no idea what you are thinking either.
We can sit here for days going through every tiny detail - 'but for exactly how many seconds did he look at you as you sat down at your desk? If it was 2 - he isn't interested, 4 - he wants to marry you and have your babies, 7 - he thinks there is a possibility that you are a cyborg and is checking your neck for seams'
But the only thing you can do is wait. As boring as that sounds. Wait, be happy with your life as it is and these things will run their course. If you spend your time obsessing about one man you will only chase him away anyway. Enjoy these early exciting stages.
3. Can I trust him?
Yes. As simple as that may seem. Unless he does something to show you otherwise, the answer has to be yes. If you don't trust him it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you and how you have been treated in the past. Leave the past right where it belongs.
4. How do I find a boyfriend?
As cliche as it sounds, stop looking.
I know you've heard it a thousand times. But really. Do the things that make you happy, spend time with friends, indulge yourself. No man or woman will ever complete you. You complete you. And you will be far more attractive to someone if you are a happy fulfilled person than if they sense that you have some sort of reliance on them to make you happy.
If you find someone - great. If you don't, you'll be happy anyway. Win win.
5. How do I know if he's the one?
You don't. You can only know if he makes you happy. If he does, keep him. If he doesn't, get one that does.
For any questions that haven't been answered here (and feel free to keep sending them to me), try ice-cream. In my experience, ice-cream solves pretty much every problem. For the worst problems I recommend Ben and Jerry's Phish food.
Tuesday 14 January 2014
How to be a better girlfriend
I am furious. My blood is boiling. I cannot see straight.
I have just read an 'article' (the quotation marks are a representation of me doing bunny rabbit ear fingers, with a tone of extreme sarcasm in my voice - I thought I'd better let you know, as these things sometimes don't come across in the reading), this 'article' is all about how to be a better girlfriend. This is a horrific enough concept in itself. Sure, I am all for improving relationships, with... Oh, I don't know, some new age concept, such as communication, but, this 'article' seems to have been written at some point during the 1950's. If it was, we could read and have a giggle and say 'How stupid we were back then, haven't we come a long way?' and then go back to waxing the cat. However, this was published TODAY. I will not direct you to the 'article', as it deserves absolutely no traffic. I will, however, share with you some of it's highlights....
5. Stock your fridge with beer. Never run out of beer when he comes to see you. A mediocre girlfriend will go out and buy beer once he comes over, but a fantastic girlfriend will have the beer already waiting.
Good Lord, imagine being only a mediocre girlfriend. The kind of stupid bitch who goes out to buy beer every time her man comes over. Presumably because she is spending the rest of her time writing poetry about him, or embroidering a portrait of him into her lacy bedspread. Now, that's the kind of unthinking woman who deserves to be shown the back of his hand to remind her who's boss!
6. Keep making the effort. Even if you two have been together for a year, don't start dressing like a slob and all of a sudden put on an abundance of weight. Of course women can tend to yo-yo, especially after the holidays, but if you gain too much — as superficial as it sounds — he is not going to be happy.
Try to maintain the way you were when you met him. Or better yourself because you are so happy to be with this man that you love to look good for him. Dress up at least once in a while. He will be pleasantly surprised and turned on!
That's right - you are so happy to be with the man, that you should be in a perpetual state of discomfort. You are so happy, that you should feel the need to 'better yourself'. Because, let's face it, somehow you fooled him into liking you for who you are, (well done on that witchcraft by the way!) and God forbid he finds out that you are human under that perfect body! May I recommend plastic surgery? Because, the truth is, you are bloody lucky he is with you now. In a year or two, he'll be having sex with his secretary and you'll only have yourself to blame.
9. Wake up with a smile. Men love a positive woman they can wake up to in the morning with the glass being half full instead of half empty. What will score you more points is to let him lie in while you make breakfast or serve him coffee in bed.
Great tip! Maybe I should also iron his shirts, make his packed lunch and use this time to do my hair and make-up. Because, as in handy tip number 6, if he wakes up and I look like a normal human being, he'll probably pour scolding water on me, like I damn well deserve.
12. Remember: Food is the way to a man's heart. You do not have to be a gourmet chef, but if you have a few exciting recipes in your repertoire, then you will look even better. This is especially useful when he has his friends around. Give them their guy time and make food. If cooking is not your thing, have a great array of take-away menus at your disposal.
Yep. Make food for him and his friends. Don't talk to them though. They've been doing man things all day. They don't want to hear about periods and babies. Back in the kitchen, Sweetheart!
13. Learn his language. When he's thirsty, he's thirsty. When he says "yes" he means "yes" and not "no." When he says he's hungry, well you better get some food in his stomach soon. Also note men don't like to walk around when they are hungry looking for a restaurant as us women will do.
Yep, when he says he's hungry, you'd better get some food in his stomach, as is your job, in fact your only reason for being.
And man, us women are such stupid bitches, looking for restaurants when we are hungry. We should be happy to lick the chewing gum off the pavement just like he does!
I feel I've learned a lot from this 'smarticle'. I now know EXACTLY how to behave in a relationship and I will damn well make sure not to mess it up by in any way having a personality.
Phew. Now, if you'll excuse me, I really shouldn't be wasting my time writing, which is a task that really should be left to a super clever man, I'm going to go and curl my hair and bake a delicious apple pie to see if I can bag a husband.
I have just read an 'article' (the quotation marks are a representation of me doing bunny rabbit ear fingers, with a tone of extreme sarcasm in my voice - I thought I'd better let you know, as these things sometimes don't come across in the reading), this 'article' is all about how to be a better girlfriend. This is a horrific enough concept in itself. Sure, I am all for improving relationships, with... Oh, I don't know, some new age concept, such as communication, but, this 'article' seems to have been written at some point during the 1950's. If it was, we could read and have a giggle and say 'How stupid we were back then, haven't we come a long way?' and then go back to waxing the cat. However, this was published TODAY. I will not direct you to the 'article', as it deserves absolutely no traffic. I will, however, share with you some of it's highlights....
5. Stock your fridge with beer. Never run out of beer when he comes to see you. A mediocre girlfriend will go out and buy beer once he comes over, but a fantastic girlfriend will have the beer already waiting.
Good Lord, imagine being only a mediocre girlfriend. The kind of stupid bitch who goes out to buy beer every time her man comes over. Presumably because she is spending the rest of her time writing poetry about him, or embroidering a portrait of him into her lacy bedspread. Now, that's the kind of unthinking woman who deserves to be shown the back of his hand to remind her who's boss!
6. Keep making the effort. Even if you two have been together for a year, don't start dressing like a slob and all of a sudden put on an abundance of weight. Of course women can tend to yo-yo, especially after the holidays, but if you gain too much — as superficial as it sounds — he is not going to be happy.
Try to maintain the way you were when you met him. Or better yourself because you are so happy to be with this man that you love to look good for him. Dress up at least once in a while. He will be pleasantly surprised and turned on!
That's right - you are so happy to be with the man, that you should be in a perpetual state of discomfort. You are so happy, that you should feel the need to 'better yourself'. Because, let's face it, somehow you fooled him into liking you for who you are, (well done on that witchcraft by the way!) and God forbid he finds out that you are human under that perfect body! May I recommend plastic surgery? Because, the truth is, you are bloody lucky he is with you now. In a year or two, he'll be having sex with his secretary and you'll only have yourself to blame.
9. Wake up with a smile. Men love a positive woman they can wake up to in the morning with the glass being half full instead of half empty. What will score you more points is to let him lie in while you make breakfast or serve him coffee in bed.
Great tip! Maybe I should also iron his shirts, make his packed lunch and use this time to do my hair and make-up. Because, as in handy tip number 6, if he wakes up and I look like a normal human being, he'll probably pour scolding water on me, like I damn well deserve.
12. Remember: Food is the way to a man's heart. You do not have to be a gourmet chef, but if you have a few exciting recipes in your repertoire, then you will look even better. This is especially useful when he has his friends around. Give them their guy time and make food. If cooking is not your thing, have a great array of take-away menus at your disposal.
Yep. Make food for him and his friends. Don't talk to them though. They've been doing man things all day. They don't want to hear about periods and babies. Back in the kitchen, Sweetheart!
13. Learn his language. When he's thirsty, he's thirsty. When he says "yes" he means "yes" and not "no." When he says he's hungry, well you better get some food in his stomach soon. Also note men don't like to walk around when they are hungry looking for a restaurant as us women will do.
Yep, when he says he's hungry, you'd better get some food in his stomach, as is your job, in fact your only reason for being.
And man, us women are such stupid bitches, looking for restaurants when we are hungry. We should be happy to lick the chewing gum off the pavement just like he does!
I feel I've learned a lot from this 'smarticle'. I now know EXACTLY how to behave in a relationship and I will damn well make sure not to mess it up by in any way having a personality.
Phew. Now, if you'll excuse me, I really shouldn't be wasting my time writing, which is a task that really should be left to a super clever man, I'm going to go and curl my hair and bake a delicious apple pie to see if I can bag a husband.
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