All strings attached.

I have been deliberating for a long time over the topic of this blog.

There is a huuuge amount to talk about on this subject. This will probably take a good ten blogs. It is the first time I have ever had to do research. By research I mean chat to friends, lazily use Google once and watch Desperate Housewives.

The subject that I am attempting to broach is infidelity.

I'm sure it is not a coincidence that the word infidelity starts with the word infidel. 

Actually it is a massive coincidence.  

Is it inevitable that a partner will cheat? Film and TV say it is. And why would they lie? Everyone is at it. It would appear. No relationship is complete without a good old fashioned affair.

Unfortunately, what with the nature of cheating being all sort of secretive and that, the statistics can't really be trusted. But research would suggest, that somewhere between 30 and 60% of all married individuals will be unfaithful at some point.

Let's start with the basics. What constitutes cheating? People's opinions on this vary MASSIVELY. I think we are all pretty much agreed that any form of contact with another persons 'special area' is cheating. But there is a divide on kissing. I know a married woman who thinks snogging another guy is acceptable. And a bit of harmless fun. But then, I also know a man who was married but had a full blown affair for ten years. But the way he sees it, he was completely faithful. To two women. 

Both of these people, I think, are just telling themselves what they need to tell themselves to stop the guilt. The same way that I tell myself that if food is free, then it doesn't have any calories in it. Which is why my current diet consists of me rummaging around in bins outside Tescos. Seriously, I am only eating 300 calories a day. I don't know why I'm not losing weight.

In this day and age, there are all sorts of ways to get your kicks, that don't involve actually touching another persons yoghurt gun or panty hamster.

There are all sorts of websites dedicated to watching a complete stranger perform acts of rudeness on themselves. And if you're feeling in a generous mood, then you can show them your private no pants dance too.

If you engage in this behaviour whilst in a relationship, is that cheating? There are very clear arguments on both sides.

It is as harmless as porn, you will never meet the other person and possibly most importantly, you are not, nor ever will be in an emotional relationship with that person.

But, it is another person, and it is just the two of you involved. And your partner may understandably feel hurt that you have had to go elsewhere for your one man tug o' war. 

I should probably stop now, seeing as I having only managed to talk about what constitutes cheating so far. 

I have lots more nonsense to spout on this subject. And will do so at a later stage.

In the beginning, God created man. It went downhill from there.

Having been single for an extraordinary amount of time (the last relationship I was in, we had met at a party celebrating the remarkable discovery of fire) I have started to think about how difficult it is for a relationship to actually start. How do they come about? Anyone? I can't bloody remember.

Upon occasion, you meet a gentleman and he may ask for your number. 

Hurdle one - completed. 

Yes, this has happened, even to me, so I know it is not something that only happens in films. 

This is a nice stage, I am comfortable at this stage. I can sit and daydream about this guy and what our life will be like together. Sure, it might be a difficult life together with me having to try and work out what his name is, because I can't remember, I'm not sure he ever told me, I was too excited to be talking to an actual man, but a life together it will be nonetheless. 

Then you come across hurdle number two. The initial texts. What if he writes like a dick? Spells like a four year old? Or worst of all worses, he uses the term 'lol'?

Hai Bayby, u r hot ;-) wanna meet sum time? LOL!!! ;-) 

Yeah. That text is gonna get an 'I think you've got the wrong number, this is an STD clinic' response. 

So let's say, theoretically, hurdle two has been leaped and bounded over and you've had a few lovely, gentlemanly, grammatically correct text messages, with the use of only one smiley face when entirely appropriate. 

Now it's the horrific car crash waiting to happen that is the 'first date'.

Who invented this system? This shitty interview for the position of girlfriend?! Whoever it was, I would like to tie them to the back of a high speeding elephant. 

You spend, days and weeks, deliberating over what to wear. You realise you have absolutely NOTHING suitable in your four wardrobes worth of clothes. You are starting to consider cutting up a waistcoat and a pair of jeans to makes a sort of dress thing. Why are you even doing this to yourself anyway? He's going to hate you and realise that he should probably be going out with your sister. What's the point?! Then after nearly being sick with nerves, you have a couple of Gin and Tonics and you start to think about wearing the pyjamas you have on, because actually they look pretty sexy. 

You look goood. 

You stumble to the venue of choice.  And there he is. Now the fun and games begin, what do you order to drink? Nothing that makes you seem like the sort of lady who loves to end her evening in an alleyway, and certainly nothing that is prone to making you end the evening dancing on the table with your (or anyone else's) knickers on your head.


You take your seats and stare at each other for a bit. What if the conversation doesn't flow? Horrid stilted small talk -


'So, do you have any brothers and sisters?'
'Where are you from originally?'


It can all feel a little like you are in a GCSE French class.


How do we as human beings manage to get past these stages? And how do we decide whether or not we want to spend a little more time with that particular human?

Spark I think it's called. But how do you know if that's there under all the awkwardness and drink?  Oh and if it does go well, don't go home with him. Because even if he has fallen in love with you instantly and believes you are the woman he is meant to marry. It will change his view of you - because no matter how much we try to change things, apparently it is still the 1950's.


It's all a bit of a boiling pot of idiocy. You dip your spoon in and hope for the best really. I like to think of it as a sort of lottery. I guess if you don't buy a ticket you aren't ever going to win.


Still it's worth a try. And the one time it does work out, then it's got to be worth the hassle right?


Don't ask me. I have absolutely no idea.

Not all men are bastards, some of them are dead

Now, I don't want to be one of those whining women who complains about how all men are bastards whilst scoffing on a two kilogram bar of Cadbury's, crying into a tub of Ben & Jerry's and stroking one of my eighteen cats, but really, I'm beginning to think they might be. Very little evidence to the contrary. 


Take for example my lovely friend Francis. Francis, like most of us, is looking for that special someone. As a gay man, he tends to meet a lot of not so special someones. But then don't we all? 
So Francis is in his local gym. In the sauna. I know, cliche, but bear with me... There is a fella that Francis has seen around  the gym quite a bit, there has been lingering eye contact and what us lesser fools would call a spark. 
So, back to the 'ol sauna. Francis, notices said gentleman smile and move a little closer. There is conversation, laughter, mucho macho flirting and knee touching. 


Yum, right? 


Right. Until sauna boy casually mentions that he has a boyfriend. You can imagine the disappointment poor Francis felt. As would we all. When he leaves, Sauna Slut follows him to apologise with drivel like 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lead you on, I should have said something earlier' 


Sorry don't cut it buster.Yes you should have said something earlier and no, you have no excuse for behaving like a total twat. 


Why would someone do that? 


Before we answer that, let us join Heather. 


Heather is a friend of mine who is beautiful. Not only did she fall out of the beautiful tree and hit every branch on the way down. She snapped the branches off and keeps them at home for putting on make up. So, Heather is out with a group of friends and some new acquaintances and there is one guy in particular who is quite a charmer. Someone that she might not have noticed initially, but this guy has the chat. He is the sort of fella who would make you laugh till your knickers fell off.


This charmer asks my friend for her number. He texts her as soon as she leaves saying how he had a great night and they should do it again sometime. Heather is obviously quite excited by this. She thinks, this could be a good thing. She does some investigation through friends, tell me about this fella, you know in the private investigator way we all do, 'Does he have a job?' 'Where is he from originally?' 'Has he been CRB checked?' Unfortunately, Heather didn't get the answer to any of those questions, as the first thing she was told was that this guy has a long term girlfriend.


Really?!


I know that this isn't an unheard of scenario, we all know tales of this happening. We could all sit around the fireplace and regale each other for hours with wine and cheese and our stories about little shits. As unfortunately these things happen all too often. But seriously, why? What does a guy get out of it? The thrill of the chase? It just doesn't make sense to me. Is it training for when he is single again? Because if his girlfriend has any sense at all she won't be with him a lot longer.


My only solution is this, if a guy asks me for my phone number I'm just going to punch him in the face. I think it's safer to just cut to the chase.