Does he like me?

From time to time I get some messages from you lovely lot , my readers, asking me for some relationship advice. Very flattering indeed that you think of me some kind of relationship Buddha. But strange too, as I am more of a relationship Gandhi, with my choice of abstinence. Or rather, having abstinence unwantedly thrust upon me. 

About 90% of the questions I am asked in face to face real life by actual friends and also by lovely stranger-to-me messaging women essentially boil down to the same thing:

Does he like me?

Does he love me?

Does he still like me?

Does he still love me?

And, of course, the answer is, how can I possibly know? In some cases I've never met you or him so I have absolutely no way of knowing from a one sided email. But, the response I give is pretty much always the same. And, I think, pretty much always accurate. 

Instead of trawling through his messages looking for hidden meanings 'he said 'see you later' at the end of his text, does that mean he WANTS to see me later, or like he feels he's being held at gunpoint to see me later?'

 

Or analysing every single look he gives you or doesn't give or times he touches your shoulder and agonising yourself to death over these meaningless things.

The answer lies in this one simple question. 

Do you like yourself? 

If the answer is yes, then the chances are he probably does too. It is no surprise or huge secret that people like spending time with people who are comfortable in their own skin. If you are happy to spend time in your own company, are happy with the way your life is and are brimming with self confidence. Then why would he not like you? The only reason I can see is because he is a class A idiot. 

Any amount of time you spend agonising about the things that are wrong in your life, your bodily defects, (of which, I assure you, you have none) then the more negativity you will create around yourself. 

I know it's harder said than done a lot of the time, especially when we are constantly being told by the media, advertising etc that are many reasons in life to not be happy, and that if you buy this shampoo all your dreams will come true. But a positive mental attitude makes people love to be around you. 

There are two types of people in life, there are lights and there are drains. 

Lights are pretty self explanatory. Lights are the people you have all the time in the world for. The people who you make you feel better just by being in their company. They are also so goddamn attractive. But that attractiveness isn't from an innate natural beauty (although annoyingly, sometimes it is) it comes from their positivity and being comfortable in themselves. 

Then there are drains. Not all drains are obvious at first sight. They are the sort of people that it is a bit of a chore to be around. They can only really focus in what is wrong with their lives, their bodies, the world in general. They essentially drain energy from you whenever you see them. Even if these people have natural beauty, it pretty much gets covered up by the negative energy they chose to sit in. 

Now, these are of course quite extreme ends of the scale. 

But what you have to think to yourself is,

'Am I the sort of person I would  choose to spend time with?'

 

If not, then take measures to become that person. 

 

If you spend your time pointing out the things that are wrong with you then yes, he will notice them too. How could he not? You're shoving them in his face!

 

Men never EVER notice the things we hate about our bodies, so why show them to him? 

 

If trying to be confident is uncomfortable for you at first, and for a lot of women it will be, then pretend. Pretend to be a confident women. After a little while, you just will be. 

And when you are, how could this man fail to want to be around you and bathe in your light. And quite frankly, if he is not drawn to you like a moth, then plenty of other men soon will be. 

You'll be covered in moths. Umm, I mean men. Or Moths. If you prefer. 

Beauty and the Decidedly Average

Hello you gorgeous bunch.

Yes, yes I know. It's been a while hasn't it? I do like to keep you all chomping at the bit. 

Wondering 'When oh when will I get to read such an insightful piece of literature? I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself, I think I will just lie down here and chew on this piece of carpet until the all knowing one comes forth and imparts her knowledge' 

Worry no longer.  I'm here to impart.

So, something that I have been thinking about a lot recently is beautiful women. Not in the sense that I have been single for so long it may be my only option, more in the sense that I can't seem to escape them.

It is difficult to go anywhere at the moment without being poked in the eye by images of stunningly beautiful women. Ridiculously unbelievable beautiful women. On billboards, on buses, on TVs, at the cinema. 

This in itself doesn't particularly bother me. We are all more than aware that executives have a firm belief that we as human beings are incapable of buying something/watching something/existing unless we see a stunning woman every twenty five seconds. I personally won't touch any product unless I know that at one time it was touched by a size four, blonde haired, blue eyed Goddess. It's just the way I was brought up.

No that's fine, what does bother me is the massive inequality that we are subjected to. 

The men in adverts, TV programmes and films are decidedly, on the whole, pretty average. 

They are allowed to be homely, dare I say on quite a few occasions overweight? They are allowed to not have chiseled jaws and emerald eyes. 

Don't get me wrong, yes you see that of course, but the ratio is very unbalanced. 

Think about the films and TV programmes and adverts that you are enjoying at the moment. How many times do you see an average looking, homely guy, with lots of personality going out with a disgustingly beautiful woman. Woman aren't allowed to be 'homely' or dare I say it overweight, unless it is part of the plot.  Unless she is the best friend, or if she will at some stage be transformed into an absolute stunner so these average guys can FINALLY be attracted to her.

The people who can be blamed for this inequality, as they can be blamed for most things in life that are evil, are the producers and executives. I can think of two reasons why they are casting such mismatched couples.

1. They are male and not overly attractive themselves, so they have created their own universe where beautiful women fall over themselves to be with a quirky man. Hopefully this will then make it so.

2. They honestly believe that men will turn over and watch something else if they don't have a woman with model good looks to encourage them to try to lick the TV screen

The only thing this practice manages to achieve is making women feel exceptionally inadequate and men believe that they are entitled to expect no less than supermodel looks from their girl regardless of their own physical prowess. 

It means that women, who have less than supermodel looks are being looked over because guys think they can do better. Telly tells them so. And telly is always right.

I hope of course that I'm wrong and men are cleverer than this. But subliminal messages are often stronger than we think.

It would certainly explain why I am sat here drinking brand named cola I don't remember buying and contemplating suing someone for an accident I haven't had.

Searching for my lost youth. If you see him, do send him home.

Hello you lovely lot.

It's been a while hasn't it? I'm sure this might give a few of you the impression that I have some sort of life. The rest of you are sensible enough to know that I'm just plain lazy.

I have had a few ideas about what the topic of discussion will be today,  and I have settled on - 

Age.

The age we are is such a big factor in so many things. And let's face it in today's society youth is king. We are already being reminded that if we are indeed older than 21 then we might as well shoot ourselves in the face as there is very little left to live for. 

We can buy creams to help us salvage what is left of our saggy, horrendous, 28 year old faces. Or if you are older than 28 then you should probably just have your saggy horrendous face pulled up by the eyebrows in some surgical type of hideous procedure.

Women of course get the brunt of this ageism, being constantly reminded that if we aren't young and attractive then chances are we'll die alone. Wrinkly.

What I find interesting is age gaps in relationships and this new found ideal that they shouldn't be too large. In Victorian times a man could marry a woman thirty years his junior and no one would bat their proverbial eyelids. These days even a simple five years can cause an eyebrow to raise to an alarmingly high state on one's forehead. (Thus saving on the aforementioned surgery).

It is so dependent upon the individual, I have had relationships with much, much older men, who I swear could have been ten years younger than me, in body and mind, and much younger men who were already in the pipe and slippers stages of their lives. 

Apparently there is a rule about age gaps in relationships. 
Yes, a made up rule that has been invented by the Rulemakers at the Rulemaking Institute of Rulesville, Ohio, that states that the ideal age gap in a relationship is when the man is with a woman who is half of his age, plus seven. So, for example if the man were 30, the woman should be 22. 

Why? Why is this the case?  And should this man therefore discount any other age? 

'My God, you're attractive, I don't think I've ever met someone who makes my stomach go fluttery in the way that you do, your eyes are like two misty oceans on a... Oh you're 25? Good day to you Madam, thank you for your time.'

Why is it also considered ideal for the man to be older than the woman? Oh you can give me the 'girls mature faster than boys' argument until the cows have got back from their day at the office, but we all know that 

a) men don't mature at all past 15, 

and 

b) men will always find any excuse to be with a pert young pretty thing half his age. 

Women also like the idea of a pert young pretty thing half our age. Oh yes we do. It's just that we also like the idea of having an actual conversation with our playthings, that isn't about One Direction or Skins or whatever it is the youth of today is getting up to.

And yet, an older women with a younger man is classed as a 'Cougar'. Quite an unflattering term, I think, compared to it's 'Silver Fox' equivalent. 

Men are allowed to get old. And they are allowed to then choose much younger women. Women are not allowed to get old, without surgery, and they are mocked if they choose to go after younger men. 

Well I say, it's time to change this. I think it's time for men to act their age and women to be allowed to be comfortable in theirs.

That's what I say. 

But of course, I would say that. Seeing as, at the age of 28, I should probably be looking into residential care homes.

Not all men are bastards, some of them are dead

Now, I don't want to be one of those whining women who complains about how all men are bastards whilst scoffing on a two kilogram bar of Cadbury's, crying into a tub of Ben & Jerry's and stroking one of my eighteen cats, but really, I'm beginning to think they might be. Very little evidence to the contrary. 


Take for example my lovely friend Francis. Francis, like most of us, is looking for that special someone. As a gay man, he tends to meet a lot of not so special someones. But then don't we all? 
So Francis is in his local gym. In the sauna. I know, cliche, but bear with me... There is a fella that Francis has seen around  the gym quite a bit, there has been lingering eye contact and what us lesser fools would call a spark. 
So, back to the 'ol sauna. Francis, notices said gentleman smile and move a little closer. There is conversation, laughter, mucho macho flirting and knee touching. 


Yum, right? 


Right. Until sauna boy casually mentions that he has a boyfriend. You can imagine the disappointment poor Francis felt. As would we all. When he leaves, Sauna Slut follows him to apologise with drivel like 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lead you on, I should have said something earlier' 


Sorry don't cut it buster.Yes you should have said something earlier and no, you have no excuse for behaving like a total twat. 


Why would someone do that? 


Before we answer that, let us join Heather. 


Heather is a friend of mine who is beautiful. Not only did she fall out of the beautiful tree and hit every branch on the way down. She snapped the branches off and keeps them at home for putting on make up. So, Heather is out with a group of friends and some new acquaintances and there is one guy in particular who is quite a charmer. Someone that she might not have noticed initially, but this guy has the chat. He is the sort of fella who would make you laugh till your knickers fell off.


This charmer asks my friend for her number. He texts her as soon as she leaves saying how he had a great night and they should do it again sometime. Heather is obviously quite excited by this. She thinks, this could be a good thing. She does some investigation through friends, tell me about this fella, you know in the private investigator way we all do, 'Does he have a job?' 'Where is he from originally?' 'Has he been CRB checked?' Unfortunately, Heather didn't get the answer to any of those questions, as the first thing she was told was that this guy has a long term girlfriend.


Really?!


I know that this isn't an unheard of scenario, we all know tales of this happening. We could all sit around the fireplace and regale each other for hours with wine and cheese and our stories about little shits. As unfortunately these things happen all too often. But seriously, why? What does a guy get out of it? The thrill of the chase? It just doesn't make sense to me. Is it training for when he is single again? Because if his girlfriend has any sense at all she won't be with him a lot longer.


My only solution is this, if a guy asks me for my phone number I'm just going to punch him in the face. I think it's safer to just cut to the chase.

Coffee? Or shall we just have sex?

Hello hello to readers both old and new. I hope you've enjoyed reading all the other blogs so far. I know I have. I read over them all as soon as I wake up and once again before bed. To remind myself of how hilarious I am.

It turns out, I'm pretty hilarious. Who knew?

Sooo. I thought it might be time to assess older issues. I have been having some lovely conversations with older people about relationships. It's comforting and a little bit frightening to know that they are just as clueless as we are.

The mother of a friend of mine talked to me about how the most difficult thing about getting older, (getting older mind you, and not relationships- We weren't even discussing relationships), the most difficult thing about getting older is staying true to the sanctity of marriage and keeping everything as exciting as it was in the beginning.

This of course doesn't come as such a surprise. I think most of us expect this. Forever is a long old time. And as we keep being told, nothing lasts forever so why should a relationship be any different.

Things change every day and you can never be sure of what is around the corner, feelings change, situations change, you don't know what you can expect.

But that isn't necessarily a scary thing, isn't it a wonderful thing thinly veiled? Can't we see that as an opportunity to be grateful for what we have now and just enjoy it?

Then there is the other monster. Monotony. That little beasty that wants to get in and remind you of how bored you are and how you may be bored FOREVER. Which, as previously discussed is a long old time.

If you are bored of something however, it is your own fault. If you are drinking tea, day in day out, and you start to think my God I'm bored of this tea, then whose fault is that?! Now of course I am not saying never drink tea again and switch to younger sexier latte, because as we all know, latte may be a hot sexy young thing, but it doesn't relax you in the same way. Sure it keeps you awake for longer but too much of it and you are left feeling the effects. And surely eventually you will be bored of that too. No, I'm saying spice up your tea a bit. Maybe try it with honey, or vanilla milk instead of sugar. Isn't that tea looking a little more ravishing, doesn't it feel like a whole new sexy cup of tea?

I think you know what I'm saying... yum.... tea.

Another conversation I was having was how some people are still as terrified of commitment as they were when they were younger despite having been married or had children.

What is it that people are afraid of? I think I am correct in thinking that this is a feeling that we all have to some extent. What if I've chosen wrongly? What if there is a better one just around the corner? Can I really do this forever?

I think the key to this is remembering that it doesn't have to be forever. I know that we all want to believe we will get married once and when we do it is for keeps. But I think it helps quell the fear if you realise that if it goes pear shaped you don't HAVE to stick around, you won't be stoned to death if you decide to move out. Your two hearts don't ACTUALLY beat as one, so you aren't going to die if you walk away.

Just a thought. Maybe it helps if you think that it may not last forever. It may help you to cling on that little bit harder. Like a leech.

A lot of men have it so much easier than women as they get older. Men seem to get more attractive with age whereas women seem to decrease in beauty. An older gentleman friend of mine was saying how he thinks this is because women have lost their 'spark' not their looks. That beautiful confidence and radiance that flows from them. I think there is a whole lot of truth in this. If you think of Helen Mirren or Judi Dench who are both beautiful older women, they certainly still have a spark. I think too many of us ladies allow our spark to die out too quickly. Or that it is men who have wrong us and kill our spark. Ooooooh philosophical.

So anyway, I'm sure you're wondering about me. How am I coping with this single lifestyle of mine?

Well, it is a lifestyle I have become accustomed to over the last few years. So I've settled in quite well now. I love the fact that I am my own person to come in when I like, go where I like and drop everything to run off to a free cake and beer party without having to consult anyone else. I wish someone would invite me to a free cake and beer party. I get my own double bed and get to watch whatever flm or televisual programme I like.

 I am also loving not playing games. Not wondering when that person will call or why haven't they called. Or maybe my phone isn't working, perhaps I should phone O2 to check to see if there is something wrong with incoming calls, but then he may call while I am doing that..... you know. All that brain melting stuff.

Plus I don't have to do all of the ridiculous grooming that we ladies have to subject ourselves to. Just the basic stuff. I mean seriously ladies, don't worry, I won't give any secrets away, but we put ourselves through a lot of weird crap when you think about it.

But of course I miss the cuddly nights in, the walking through the park holding hands, calling someone to say hi (who isn't my mum), and the ahem....

Soooo. On that note thanks for sticking around through this nonsense. You lovely people.

Not hard though is it? I'm hilarious.