When you least expect it

In the last few years, dating websites have been popping up all over the virtual shop like moles in a beautifully newly mown croquet lawn. One thing that is obvious in this is that so many people are searching for love. I mean, like, google searching for love. But the only thing I can see that this can result in is lots of money for I_am_desperate_for_a_man_who_is_in_no_way_like_the_last_twentyfive_shitheads_I've_dated. Com. 

I'm not going to have a go at dating websites here. Of course, in this day and age, meeting new people can be really difficult. Especially in a city like London, where the abnormal act of actually striking up a conversation with a stranger usually results in a swift pepper spraying. 

I know lots of people who have met through dating sites and are wonderfully happy. Indeed, my own little sojourn into the world wide weird web has giving me a lot of material to use in these blogs. And tales to regale my therapist with. 

It's the act of actively looking for love that I'm going to talk about. There is the age old saying that love happens when you least expect it. For those of us who have been single since the Vikings invaded, anyone who hands out this superduper helpful advice is risking a good old fashioned punch in the face. 

Of course, I'm not flyering for potential boyfriends or checking the ring finger of every man I sit next to on a bus. But, of course, when you are single and not wanting to be you can find yourself buying things to help you become more attractive, going to places to try to meet potential mates and Internet dating. 

And yet, in my experience, the people who have found true wonderfully slushy greeting card type love have stumbled across it, sometimes on websites, at a point in their lives when they are so ridiculously happy that everyone falls in love with them on sight. 

I mean, when have you ever heard a love story that started with 'I saw her from across the room, she looked tired, miserable, no self confidence and with an air of desperation, I knew I had to speak to her at once...'

Next time you are on a tube, train, bus, sexual health clinic, anywhere where there are lots of people, have a look to see who are the most attractive people in the crowd. Male and female. And then, what is it that is attractive about them? The clothes they are wearing? Hair? Make up? Possibly. (Men do look hot with eyeliner). But more than likely it is that walking with air of confidence, that complete happiness in themselves. This is something that draws people in. 

Instead of spending money on dating websites, or things that will make you more attractive, why not spend money on things that will make you happy. Like ice cream. A weekend at the beach. A week in Brad Pitt's underwear. Because these things can just as easily lead you down the path to love. And if they don't, you'll be happy and won't care anyway. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, Ben, Jerry and I have to pack, we've booked ourselves in for a week away in Benedict Cumberbatch's Briefs. (Try saying that three times with marbles in your mouth - or not - whatever makes you happy). 

Does he like me?

From time to time I get some messages from you lovely lot , my readers, asking me for some relationship advice. Very flattering indeed that you think of me some kind of relationship Buddha. But strange too, as I am more of a relationship Gandhi, with my choice of abstinence. Or rather, having abstinence unwantedly thrust upon me. 

About 90% of the questions I am asked in face to face real life by actual friends and also by lovely stranger-to-me messaging women essentially boil down to the same thing:

Does he like me?

Does he love me?

Does he still like me?

Does he still love me?

And, of course, the answer is, how can I possibly know? In some cases I've never met you or him so I have absolutely no way of knowing from a one sided email. But, the response I give is pretty much always the same. And, I think, pretty much always accurate. 

Instead of trawling through his messages looking for hidden meanings 'he said 'see you later' at the end of his text, does that mean he WANTS to see me later, or like he feels he's being held at gunpoint to see me later?'

 

Or analysing every single look he gives you or doesn't give or times he touches your shoulder and agonising yourself to death over these meaningless things.

The answer lies in this one simple question. 

Do you like yourself? 

If the answer is yes, then the chances are he probably does too. It is no surprise or huge secret that people like spending time with people who are comfortable in their own skin. If you are happy to spend time in your own company, are happy with the way your life is and are brimming with self confidence. Then why would he not like you? The only reason I can see is because he is a class A idiot. 

Any amount of time you spend agonising about the things that are wrong in your life, your bodily defects, (of which, I assure you, you have none) then the more negativity you will create around yourself. 

I know it's harder said than done a lot of the time, especially when we are constantly being told by the media, advertising etc that are many reasons in life to not be happy, and that if you buy this shampoo all your dreams will come true. But a positive mental attitude makes people love to be around you. 

There are two types of people in life, there are lights and there are drains. 

Lights are pretty self explanatory. Lights are the people you have all the time in the world for. The people who you make you feel better just by being in their company. They are also so goddamn attractive. But that attractiveness isn't from an innate natural beauty (although annoyingly, sometimes it is) it comes from their positivity and being comfortable in themselves. 

Then there are drains. Not all drains are obvious at first sight. They are the sort of people that it is a bit of a chore to be around. They can only really focus in what is wrong with their lives, their bodies, the world in general. They essentially drain energy from you whenever you see them. Even if these people have natural beauty, it pretty much gets covered up by the negative energy they chose to sit in. 

Now, these are of course quite extreme ends of the scale. 

But what you have to think to yourself is,

'Am I the sort of person I would  choose to spend time with?'

 

If not, then take measures to become that person. 

 

If you spend your time pointing out the things that are wrong with you then yes, he will notice them too. How could he not? You're shoving them in his face!

 

Men never EVER notice the things we hate about our bodies, so why show them to him? 

 

If trying to be confident is uncomfortable for you at first, and for a lot of women it will be, then pretend. Pretend to be a confident women. After a little while, you just will be. 

And when you are, how could this man fail to want to be around you and bathe in your light. And quite frankly, if he is not drawn to you like a moth, then plenty of other men soon will be. 

You'll be covered in moths. Umm, I mean men. Or Moths. If you prefer.