On the 9th Anniversary of my 21st Birthday

For today's little pick me up, I would like to talk about getting old and wrinkly.

Yes, it's something that we've read about time and time again, heard endless jokes about things going south that really have no business being there. The advertising industry feeds off our inevitable decline, wrinkles, hair loss and, gulp, hair gain.

But we all think the same thing, every single one of us young idiots think

'It'll never happen to me'

'My skin is made of a fine balance of plastic and rubber and will stay this pert and bouncy till I am laid up in my glass coffin looking as beautiful as snow white'

Which is why we are taken entirely by surprise when the decline begins.

We shouldn't be. We knew it was coming. It's inevitable. Like Piers Morgan. Slightly less horrific, but equally inevitable.

These days, I won't take my make up off before I go to bed just in case I have a panic attack when I look in the bathroom mirror in the morning.

I think I alone am sustaining the entire global sale of cover stick and foundation. I am frightened to get on a boat just in case the sheer weight of my concealer sinks it.

But what can we do? Accept it as inevitable and grow old gracefully and beautifully like Helen Mirren or Dame Judi?

Let's face it, if I didn't look as beautiful as them at twenty five, I don't have much hope in later life.

Or surgery? Fill my face with enough plastic to make a to-scale model of Buckingham Palace?

Nope... That doesn't appeal really. Except, that maybe Prince Harry could come and live in me.....

Sorry.....That got weird.

I think that we should welcome back with open arms the era of the corset. Sure, we'll have to endure a touch of fainting and the slight blueness of the lips, but think how slim and pert we'll all look! In A & E....

I truly believe that every small line that gets collected on your face over time is a loving wonderful memory to be worn with pride and a big smile. A sign that you have lived a wonderful, enriched life.

Or at least, that is what I tell myself as I lie, face down in my anti-wrinkle cream quietly sobbing....

 

 

Searching for my lost youth. If you see him, do send him home.

Hello you lovely lot.

It's been a while hasn't it? I'm sure this might give a few of you the impression that I have some sort of life. The rest of you are sensible enough to know that I'm just plain lazy.

I have had a few ideas about what the topic of discussion will be today,  and I have settled on - 

Age.

The age we are is such a big factor in so many things. And let's face it in today's society youth is king. We are already being reminded that if we are indeed older than 21 then we might as well shoot ourselves in the face as there is very little left to live for. 

We can buy creams to help us salvage what is left of our saggy, horrendous, 28 year old faces. Or if you are older than 28 then you should probably just have your saggy horrendous face pulled up by the eyebrows in some surgical type of hideous procedure.

Women of course get the brunt of this ageism, being constantly reminded that if we aren't young and attractive then chances are we'll die alone. Wrinkly.

What I find interesting is age gaps in relationships and this new found ideal that they shouldn't be too large. In Victorian times a man could marry a woman thirty years his junior and no one would bat their proverbial eyelids. These days even a simple five years can cause an eyebrow to raise to an alarmingly high state on one's forehead. (Thus saving on the aforementioned surgery).

It is so dependent upon the individual, I have had relationships with much, much older men, who I swear could have been ten years younger than me, in body and mind, and much younger men who were already in the pipe and slippers stages of their lives. 

Apparently there is a rule about age gaps in relationships. 
Yes, a made up rule that has been invented by the Rulemakers at the Rulemaking Institute of Rulesville, Ohio, that states that the ideal age gap in a relationship is when the man is with a woman who is half of his age, plus seven. So, for example if the man were 30, the woman should be 22. 

Why? Why is this the case?  And should this man therefore discount any other age? 

'My God, you're attractive, I don't think I've ever met someone who makes my stomach go fluttery in the way that you do, your eyes are like two misty oceans on a... Oh you're 25? Good day to you Madam, thank you for your time.'

Why is it also considered ideal for the man to be older than the woman? Oh you can give me the 'girls mature faster than boys' argument until the cows have got back from their day at the office, but we all know that 

a) men don't mature at all past 15, 

and 

b) men will always find any excuse to be with a pert young pretty thing half his age. 

Women also like the idea of a pert young pretty thing half our age. Oh yes we do. It's just that we also like the idea of having an actual conversation with our playthings, that isn't about One Direction or Skins or whatever it is the youth of today is getting up to.

And yet, an older women with a younger man is classed as a 'Cougar'. Quite an unflattering term, I think, compared to it's 'Silver Fox' equivalent. 

Men are allowed to get old. And they are allowed to then choose much younger women. Women are not allowed to get old, without surgery, and they are mocked if they choose to go after younger men. 

Well I say, it's time to change this. I think it's time for men to act their age and women to be allowed to be comfortable in theirs.

That's what I say. 

But of course, I would say that. Seeing as, at the age of 28, I should probably be looking into residential care homes.

Coffee? Or shall we just have sex?

Hello hello to readers both old and new. I hope you've enjoyed reading all the other blogs so far. I know I have. I read over them all as soon as I wake up and once again before bed. To remind myself of how hilarious I am.

It turns out, I'm pretty hilarious. Who knew?

Sooo. I thought it might be time to assess older issues. I have been having some lovely conversations with older people about relationships. It's comforting and a little bit frightening to know that they are just as clueless as we are.

The mother of a friend of mine talked to me about how the most difficult thing about getting older, (getting older mind you, and not relationships- We weren't even discussing relationships), the most difficult thing about getting older is staying true to the sanctity of marriage and keeping everything as exciting as it was in the beginning.

This of course doesn't come as such a surprise. I think most of us expect this. Forever is a long old time. And as we keep being told, nothing lasts forever so why should a relationship be any different.

Things change every day and you can never be sure of what is around the corner, feelings change, situations change, you don't know what you can expect.

But that isn't necessarily a scary thing, isn't it a wonderful thing thinly veiled? Can't we see that as an opportunity to be grateful for what we have now and just enjoy it?

Then there is the other monster. Monotony. That little beasty that wants to get in and remind you of how bored you are and how you may be bored FOREVER. Which, as previously discussed is a long old time.

If you are bored of something however, it is your own fault. If you are drinking tea, day in day out, and you start to think my God I'm bored of this tea, then whose fault is that?! Now of course I am not saying never drink tea again and switch to younger sexier latte, because as we all know, latte may be a hot sexy young thing, but it doesn't relax you in the same way. Sure it keeps you awake for longer but too much of it and you are left feeling the effects. And surely eventually you will be bored of that too. No, I'm saying spice up your tea a bit. Maybe try it with honey, or vanilla milk instead of sugar. Isn't that tea looking a little more ravishing, doesn't it feel like a whole new sexy cup of tea?

I think you know what I'm saying... yum.... tea.

Another conversation I was having was how some people are still as terrified of commitment as they were when they were younger despite having been married or had children.

What is it that people are afraid of? I think I am correct in thinking that this is a feeling that we all have to some extent. What if I've chosen wrongly? What if there is a better one just around the corner? Can I really do this forever?

I think the key to this is remembering that it doesn't have to be forever. I know that we all want to believe we will get married once and when we do it is for keeps. But I think it helps quell the fear if you realise that if it goes pear shaped you don't HAVE to stick around, you won't be stoned to death if you decide to move out. Your two hearts don't ACTUALLY beat as one, so you aren't going to die if you walk away.

Just a thought. Maybe it helps if you think that it may not last forever. It may help you to cling on that little bit harder. Like a leech.

A lot of men have it so much easier than women as they get older. Men seem to get more attractive with age whereas women seem to decrease in beauty. An older gentleman friend of mine was saying how he thinks this is because women have lost their 'spark' not their looks. That beautiful confidence and radiance that flows from them. I think there is a whole lot of truth in this. If you think of Helen Mirren or Judi Dench who are both beautiful older women, they certainly still have a spark. I think too many of us ladies allow our spark to die out too quickly. Or that it is men who have wrong us and kill our spark. Ooooooh philosophical.

So anyway, I'm sure you're wondering about me. How am I coping with this single lifestyle of mine?

Well, it is a lifestyle I have become accustomed to over the last few years. So I've settled in quite well now. I love the fact that I am my own person to come in when I like, go where I like and drop everything to run off to a free cake and beer party without having to consult anyone else. I wish someone would invite me to a free cake and beer party. I get my own double bed and get to watch whatever flm or televisual programme I like.

 I am also loving not playing games. Not wondering when that person will call or why haven't they called. Or maybe my phone isn't working, perhaps I should phone O2 to check to see if there is something wrong with incoming calls, but then he may call while I am doing that..... you know. All that brain melting stuff.

Plus I don't have to do all of the ridiculous grooming that we ladies have to subject ourselves to. Just the basic stuff. I mean seriously ladies, don't worry, I won't give any secrets away, but we put ourselves through a lot of weird crap when you think about it.

But of course I miss the cuddly nights in, the walking through the park holding hands, calling someone to say hi (who isn't my mum), and the ahem....

Soooo. On that note thanks for sticking around through this nonsense. You lovely people.

Not hard though is it? I'm hilarious.